I Am Completely Average

The GREs are over! Woo! I scored completely average on the verbal and math sections and am thrilled (the writing scores come later, but I feel very positive about them). All I needed was to score exactly in the middle, and with only two weeks of somewhat regular studying, I managed to do just that. Yay! My programs of choice have all said they don't pay much attention to the GRE scores (focusing mainly on the portfolio), and I read in my study book that most programs in humanities and arts only pay attention to scores that are exceptionally low or high. I am neither. I am contentedly, exceptionally average.

Whew. SOOO nice to have them done! I was a mess. I pooped three times before I even made it into the testing center (woo, IBS) and bit my nails down to their nubs. The test is so long that by the last section, I was tapping my feet and popping my back every few minutes, to the point that I got nervous the proctors might think I was cheating. So then I stopped turning around but starting fiddling with my ring until that got boring, and then I started slouching and sitting up, over and over. Damn, it really took a lot of mental energy out of me! For a few hours afterwards, I felt completely spaced and exhausted. Wonderful Lizzy was there to rescue me, cook for me, liquor me up, paint with me, and then take me out for a rockin' good time where we danced like crazy with some even crazier friends. It was the perfect way to end an otherwise shitty day! And now I never have to stress out about the GREs again.

Except that I'm still feeling the stress! But I've learned that this is how I work. My body and mind goes into this mode of completion, so that I do what I need do while definitely feeling a little nervous but not necessarily feeling stressed out... until afterwards. Right when I no longer have anything to stress out about is when my body feels it all. Every semester, I would come down with a cold a few days after finals and be all tight and stressy, but during finals I felt perfectly fine and motivated. I just go into this mode of studying, or doing whatever else I need to do to get things done, and then as soon as I can relax, all the stress hits me. I was soooo exhausted yesterday, and since the test have felt very tense and tight. I got an unusual headache on Sunday and again today, and during yoga I was just out of sorts. My body felt tight and a little shaky, and my head felt muddy. It's strange, but this happens after every big, stressful situation. I guess I just go into this "get 'er done" mode and then once everything's been done, my body is like, "Okay, now that we did what we needed to do, let's be all tight and cranky and achy so we can get all that hard work and tension out of us." But blah! I don't like it.

I also don't like being in a long-distance relationship. Nor do I like being separated from Jess, my best friend from college who I lived with until I moved here. Both Dave and Jess came to visit on Sunday, and it was just so exciting to see them. Then they both left and that definitely added to my crankiness. It's hard! Woe is me!

In other news, I'm making bank lately. Linda went out of town last week and then on Monday, her boss told her that she would be going out of town again for three days, and had a flight scheduled for her in the next TWELVE HOURS. So, I've been practically living with the girls but making excellent money as a result of it. But despite the money (which weirds me out sometimes that I get paid to step in for Mom...), I feel like I've hit my rope with Marie and am definitely needing a break. Thanksgiving is well-timed. The past month has overall been better than the first two, and I feel like we're really falling into a groove where she gets her homework done with minimal struggle and we understand each other a bit more. But she just constantly mouths off about anything. It seems like being nice is impossible for her, but being sarcastic and snotty is natural. And oftentimes it's quite entertaining and funny, but after a long day (I was with them for 14 hours the other day because they were out of school for parent-teacher conferences and Linda was at their conferences and then at work), it's just really grating. And waking up in the mornings with her is hard because we're both such not morning people it's awful. We barely speak to each other, and when we do, it's not pleasant.

Overall though, we have definitely made leaps from when I first started. I've learned much more about her and how she operates and had a big realization while I was camping that I'm often too hard on her. I tend to hold her responsible for quite a lot without remembering that she's still only ten. What a weird age! In some ways, she's very mature, smart and grown up, but in other ways she's incredibly immature. And in more other ways, she's still a fun-loving, silly kid. But I can see the contradiction in her of wanting to be an older girl but still wanting to be a kid. And I remember how hard of a struggle it was for me. I specifically remember my first week of 6th grade, when a friend of mine and I asked the principal when recess was, and he replied, "Girls, you're in middle school now, we don't have recess here." It was embarrassing and such a let-down at the same time. And it's really hard for me to see her express the pain of missing her mother and just not being able to do anything about it. Though she'll never talk about the emotions honestly ("Nah, I don't miss her, she's only gone for three days!" which is followed by an incredible outburst over my having used the pen she wanted to use for homework), it's clear that she's very angry about her mother's work schedule, and misses her tremendously, and I am not at all a replacement and she resents me in some ways because I'm the person that represents her mother's absence. But in other ways, she loves me and realizes I'm not a bad guy and can really have a lot of fun with me. It's just that we've spent so much time together in the passed two weeks! I think we're on each other's nerves. But I'm glad to see general progress. And Angela and I absolutely adore one another. Her birthday was recently and I had a lot of fun picking out presents and burning CDs for her. And we went shopping together the other day, and at one point she grabbed my hand and led me to a rack so I could give her advice. She feels like a little sis already, and she's just so damn cool that I'm excited about our relationship.

That's the latest. The GREs are over, my work schedule should be more normal in the next few weeks, I have a break coming up, and am actually looking very forward to working more on my portfolio. I miss that, because for the passed two weeks I've dedicated most of my writing time toward learning new vocabulary and reviewing geometry. But no more! My stories have never seen a more dedicated Becky...

Except when she's sleepy. I'm out to bed...er, to the pull-out couch I'm sleeping on.