10 Rules to Follow for Proper Bar Etiquette

First off, what is bar etiquette? I think it's generally accepted that puking in bar bathrooms or passing out on the bar is not cool. But is it cool to shrug and leave the person on his own to puke or sleep? It's not cool to spill drinks, but it happens all the time so we can overlook that one. It's definitely not cool to Ruffie someone. But it can be hottt to find a one-night hook up. Though that introduces a whole new set of rules...

Mainly, everyone has their own ideas of how one should and shouldn't behave in a bar. People are always talking too loudly or bumping into you or not talking to you enough or not touching you enough. When I go out, I wanna have fun, and part of having fun for me is not pissing anyone off and not getting pissed off by anyone. So I think there are ten simple rules that, if properly followed, would create the chillest, nicest, most never pissed off atmosphere.

1. Know your limits! If you can't keep up with Mr. Football Player, don't try. I've never understood this. No one has fun if they're vomiting/passing out/feeling sick/rampaging/whatevering because they're too drunk. Most people in this country have plenty of experience with alcohol by the time they're finally 21, and know how drunk is too drunk.

2. Don't leave your friends in a bad place! Meaning, don't wander away from your crew if you're too drunk, and also don't leave drunkie behind. Seriously. They're a pain in the ass, they're gross, they're annoying, but don't leave them alone to get mugged or raped. There are obviously exceptions, violent drunks being the hardest and disappearing drunks being the scariest. If you can get the friend home, do it. But if number 1 is followed, this should never be an issue.

3. If you see a random person passed out, maybe point it out to the bartender. You don't need to get all involved but it is nice to alert someone who works there and will get paid for helping passed-outers to a cab. On their way out though, suggest they re-read number 1.

4. If someone spills a drink on you, accept their apologies and dry off. No need to start a fight over accidents. If someone purposefully pours a drink on you, make your own decision 'bout that.

5. If someone bumps into you, a-okay. If someone purposefully pushes or shoves into you or exerts extra pressure, turn around and tell him to stop. Why would you ever just shove into someone on purpose? Obviously ask them to move, maneuver around them, or wait. And if there's another person in front of the person you're shoving, then you're just an impatient dumbass and should go do yoga instead of go out drinking.

6. Tip well! Some bartenders are horrible but most do a decent-to-great job under stressful circumstances. They make their living off tips, so be nice. I know it seems dumb to pay someone a dollar to pop open your Tecate can, but it's just how the system works. Find another system to rebel against, like the U.S. Government. But don't fuck with the tipping system.

7. Don't steal someone's seat. Simultaneously, give up your seat if someone needs it. Honestly, I was in a bar after twisting my ankle and it started to ache a bit. I stood up but the little foldable chair I was sitting on fell as I stood. I tripped, twisting my ankle further. I hobbled to the back of the bar and saw three people, one sitting on a stool and the other two standing beside her. There was an empty stool beside them so I asked if they were using it. The guy said, "Yeah, kinda." I said, "It's just that I just hurt my ankle and would like to sit." He shrugged and sat down. He's going to hell.

8. When the place is busy, don't stand right in front of the bar and sip your drink and chit chit chat. Other people are trying to order, for fucks sake!

9. It is totally fine to wave or shout for the bartender. Sometimes they don't see you and are doing something else when they'd rather be serving you and you'd rather be getting served. With this in mind, don't be an ass. Don't reach over anyone or walk behind the bar or shout ten times or say something condescending. Again, just be nice. I read some statistic about how it takes all these extra muscles to frown and yell and wrinkle your brow. Save that energy for something fun.

10. Don't talk overly loud about the threesome you had with your mother. That's just gross.

So there you have it. I honestly believe that if people follow these rules, which really aren't very difficult, then our night lives would be a hell of a lot more fun. Don't be nasty or dumb or impatient. Be smart about maximizing the fun. Vomiters and pushers and fighters and assholes are the worst brand of fun vacuums.


P.S. On a more serious note, if you see a guy harassing a girl or a girl who looks scared, step up and ask if everything's okay. You don't have to get in a fight for some girl (or guy, too) you don't know, but you can alert the bartender if necessary. And sometimes just asking is enough to change the vibe and break some of the tension.

Funny story: One time, Dave and I were heading home from a bar and I was being lazy, so big bad Dave gave me a piggy-back ride. I started tickling him and we were both giggling, when some man comes up and asks if everything's okay. We were like, "Yeah. Uh, thanks?" I don't think men typically abduct women by giving them giggly piggy-back rides. But, the intention was honorable and one that should be followed.